102a: Evil Sponges on Kampus
by Dither
Summary: Dib and Invader Zim are given detention for fighting. Told from Dib's point of view, Noir style. Completed Episode.
1. Scene 1

Episode 102 - Shaking with one hand while Sponging with the Other  
  
Written by Dither  
  
  
  
Scene 1  
  
Opening Credits roll  
  
Dib arrives at school  
  
Title: Evil Sponges on Kampus  
  
Dib (Narration): It was a bright and sunny morning. A Day like any other. But then it happened. I stepped in some gum, but no, that's not what I'm here to tell you about. No, I'm here to tell you about something far, far more gut-wrenchingly, brain-hurtingly . . . bad, that you won't want to hear it. Wait, no, you will want to hear it, and I'm going to tell it.  
  
Dib (Narration): I had just gotten to skool, and I felt a little itch. An itch I needed to scratch. So I did. And then I went to see . . . hey! What was that?  
  
Dib (Narration): As I thought, it was Zim. He had arrived at skool as well. He does that every so often, just to get to me. And boyyy was it getting to me. I went over to . . . do something not nice to him.  
  
Zim: It is the DIB! What does the Dib want of me?  
  
Dib (Narration): I was gonna play it cool. I knew something he didn't know. But then, he knew I knew something he didn't know. But I wasn't sayin' nothin'.  
  
Dib: I'm gonna sneak into your base tonight Zim!  
  
Dib (Narration): I laughed. Then it dawned on me that I'd said too much.  
  
Zim: WHHHAAAAT?  
  
Dib: I mean, I found a way to disable your gnomes from a distance using the 'Sleep' button on my TV's remote control and some power boosters.  
  
Dib (Narration): I spilled my guts. Not in the literal sense, not now at least, but more of that later.  
  
Zim: We shall see human, we shall see.  
  
Dib (Narration): Zim was onto me, and if there was anything I didn't want . . . was Zim on . . . me. But that didn't sound right, so I thought of something else. Zim on me . . . that just sounded wrong. Who would EVER think of something HORRIBLE like THAT. Zim on me, wow, it just, made me kinda sick, in a sick - make - ya - wanna - puke - kinda - sick . . . way.  
  
Dib: Zim on me? That sounds wrong.  
  
Dib (Narration): I had a problem with talking aloud to myself. Not that I'm talking aloud to myself now. You're listening, right? Or reading? Is this written down? Are you - well, that's not really important right now. Just that this story is told. Wow . . . Zim on me, that's, that's just . . . EAAAAAGH!! Zim's on me!  
  
Dib: What the?! Zim! Get offa me!!  
  
Dib (Narration): While I was busy thinking about how I didn't want Zim on me, he had tackled me and tried to beat the information out of my organs - he didn't know which, so he beat all of them. It's under that kinda pressure, the pressure of a hideous alien straddling you, bludgeoning you with something - what was that anyway? The kind of pressure that unleashes something inside you. Something powerful, something . . . to be unleashed.  
  
Dib: HELP ME!!! The alien's beating me up!!  
  
Dib (Narration): All I could do was cry out for help. It was sad, but somebody had to do it. And seeing as no one was in a position to help me, I had no choice but to do it again.  
  
Dib HELP MEEEE!! OHHHH MY ORGANS!!!  
  
Dib (Narration): No one was coming to my rescue, but then, I guess that's supposed to be my job, right? So I did the next best thing to screaming for help - well, it was probably better than screaming, but I hadn't thought of it before. I hit Zim.  
  
Zim: OOOwaaark!  
  
Dib (Narration): Zim keeled over like Poop Cola machine that's been around a really long time and has had sticks and tape and wadded up gum and paper stuck in it by kids with no money that were just trying to get a soda, but now that it's so clogged with . . . stuff, and though it's been cleaned out, it eats people's money, and those kids grow up to hate everything and start a riot, knocking over soda machines . . . that look like Zim falling over, or wait - was it the other way around? I was confused.  
  
Dib (Narration): It was then that something bad happened. I wasn't sure exactly what right away, but then it came to me, like a . . . like a, something that comes to you and you don't want it to.  
  
Ms. Bitters: Zim, Dib, fighting is not allowed at Skool. You will each receive four consecutive life detentions, to be served starting now, and continuing for the rest of your next three educations in you next lives.  
  
Dib: But, Ms. Bitters, . . .  
  
Ms. Bitters: Don't worry, we have ways of making sure you attend ALL of your detentions.  
  
Zim: You cannot hold ZIM in any of your - FILTHY human detention - storage . . . places!  
  
Dib (Narration): Ms. Bitters turned to face Zim, and I could taste the fear coming off him, it tasted, . . . well, I wanted to say it tasted good, but I didn't really.  
  
Ms. Bitters: Dib, go to the wood shop and have them squeeze your enormous head in one of their vices! You're thinking to loud.  
  
Dib (Narration): Now I was a little scared too. After a painful stop by the wood shop, Zim and I went to the detention room. I poked Zim, just to remind him who was really the master of his fate.  
  
Dib: Haha! That was funny when the sawdust clung to your freakish alien skin and made it turn blue.  
  
Zim: QUI~ET! Zim will not hear of such things! You'd best not speak of them if you value your organs.  
  
Dib (Narration): His remark didn't scare me. But then, none of his remarks really scared me, but I wasn't about to show him my . . . lack of fear.  
  
Dib: oooOOooo . . . SCA~RY.  
  
Dib (Narration): So I didn't.  
  
Dib (Narration): We arrived at the detention room to find it as one would expect to find a detention room, . . . in a room where they held detention. Zim and I seated ourselves on opposite sides of the classroom, and proceeded to carry out our separate detentions . . . together . . . in detention. It wasn't long before . . .  
  
Zim: Excuse me!  
  
Dib (Narration): Zim wanted to go to the restroom.  
  
Zim: I need to use the restroom.  
  
Dib (Narration): The teacher in charge of this particular detention was frightening to say the least. To say the most, would be to say that he was REALLY frightening. He stood up and walked, oh so spookily over to Zim.  
  
Detention Teacher: Ohhhhh, so the green kid wants to use the bathroom, eh? Well, I'd like to let you go but, actually, I DON'T!  
  
Dib (Narration): Hey, this guy was pretty cool, actually.  
  
Detention Teacher: And you, the child with the large head! Hit your hideously large head against your desk until it breaks! You think too loud!  
  
Dib (Narration): I hesitated, and that was my mistake.  
  
Dib: until what breaks, my head, or the desk?  
  
Dib (Narration): I should have seen it coming. My question had pushed the teacher over the edge. The man was a lunatic, a psycho, a fruitcake, a nut, a . . . another word that meant he was crazy.  
  
Detention teacher: YOU!!! Go to the bathroom!  
  
Dib (Narration): Huh?  
  
Dib: Huh?  
  
Detention Teacher: All of you! The entire class is going on a one-way fieldtrip to the BATHROOM . . . the BATHROOM OF PAIN!!  
  
Zim: Eh?  
  
Dib: Huh?  
  
Dib (Narration): One of the girls in the detention raised her hand, and asked if the girls had to go in the boys bathroom with them.  
  
Stupid Girl: Do the girls have to go in the boys' bathroom with them?  
  
Dib (Narration): The teacher looked pretty upset. He smiled and said "YES!"  
  
Detention Teacher: YES!  
  
Dib (Narration): Spooky.  
  
Dib: Spooky.  
  
Dib (Narration): Actually, I didn't say spooky then.  
  
Dib: Yes I did.  
  
Zim: Huh?  
  
Dib (Narration): No I didn't  
  
Dib: Who's telling the story here?  
  
Dib (Narration): Me!  
  
Dib: Nah-ah!  
  
Zim: Eeeeaaagh!!  
  
Dib: The teacher grabbed both me, and Zim, being that we were the disturbers of the peace, and carried us out of the room. The rest of class follow - uuuuuhhhhhhhh . . .  
  
Dib (Narration): At that point, I knocked myself out because I was becoming annoying, as I am prone to do on occasio -  
  
Fades out 


	2. Scene 2

Episode 102 - Shaking with one hand while Sponging with the Other  
  
Written by Dither  
  
  
  
Scene 2  
  
Fades in  
  
Dib (Narration): How long I was out, I can't say, but when I came to, my head was feeling - PRETTY bad. I had the feeling that it was INCREDIBLY large, but I'm sure that was just 'cause it hurt.  
  
Dib (Narration): I looked around, and found, to my dismay, that I was in the bathroom with the rest of the students from detention, including the girls. The stupid girl from before was whining about the smell. I imagined she'd be the first to go if this turned out to be like a horror movie.  
  
Dib (Narration): I looked around, but I didn't see the teacher anywhere.  
  
Dib: Hey! Where'd the teacher go?  
  
Zim: AH-HA! The Dib human is AWAKE!! He was fooling! FOOLING!!  
  
Dib: What are you TALKING about?  
  
Zim: The . . . FILTHY . . . RRRRRR-UUUUUUUUURRRRRR . . . TEACHER, said he was going to get a nurse in case there was something wrong with you. You were unconscious for quite a while, I was afraid you were going to die and make my mission less interesting.  
  
Dib (Narration): Something about that sounded suspicious.  
  
Dib: That sounds kinda nice of him. Why would he do a thing like that for me?  
  
Zim: If you WERE dead, he was going to let us swing you around and throw you by your BIG HEAD.  
  
Dib (Narration): That was better. I hadn't thought a teacher would go out of their way - hey . . . that's just MEAN!  
  
Dib: Oh, I guess that's okay. Well, I'm better.  
  
Zim: I was just thinking of a way to fix that, y'know, make you not better . . .  
  
Dib: Great, that's just great Zim.  
  
Dib (Narration): Zim had me a little worried now. Not about what HE could do, but what the Teacher might do in his disappointment when he found out I was okay. And then I remembered that I had three more consecutive life- detentions, and wondered if I wouldn't have been better off getting a jump on my next one -  
  
Dib (Narration): HEY! What am I talking about?! I don't wanna die! Since when did I start thinking like THAT?!  
  
Zim (Narration): I'm responsible for that!  
  
Dib (Narration): ZIM!! Get outta my head!!  
  
Zim (Narration): Rrrrrr . . . AHHHHHHHH . . . MY ORGANS!!!! AHHH you WRETCHED!!!  
  
Dib: What are you DOING Zim?  
  
Dib: Zim was rolling around on the ground like a, a crazy person, I guess, holding his organs and screaming. That's when I saw it - I saw . . .  
  
Dib (Narration): - The sponge . . . Someone had thrown a water-soaked sponge at Zim, and it stuck to him, drenching him. He was writhing in agony, and it was pretty funny. I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed. It was PRETTY funny.  
  
Dib: Jeez Zim, it's just a sponge. Get up all ready. It's embarrassing.  
  
Dib (Narration): Everyone in the bathroom was staring at Zim. A lot were laughing too. I felt pretty good about throwing the sponge - yeah, I was the one that did it, but now it was getting kinda out of hand.  
  
Skool Child #1: Heeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyy!!!!??????!!!!! Heeeeeeeeey? When's the teacher coming back?  
  
Dib (Narration): Just then, it happened.  
  
Skool Child #2: Oh! Here he comes! Maybe we can LEAVE this stinking bathroom!  
  
Dib (Narration): The door opened slowly, like a migraine. The sound it made nearly gave me a migraine too. It was soooooooo slow, I mean, really, does a door have the right to open THAT slowly? Anyway, then, IT happened:  
  
Detention Teacher: The sponges . . .  
  
Dib (Narration): That was PRETTY stupid. And the teacher COLLAPSED! He opened the door, said 'the sponges' and then collapsed! How lame is - WAIT! What's that?!  
  
Dib: Wait! What's that?!  
  
Dib (Narration): Just as I had thought, there was a sponge stuck to the back of his head.  
  
Dib: Wait, I didn't think that.  
  
Dib (Narration): Whatever.  
  
Dib: Hey! There's a sponge stuck to the back of his head!  
  
Dib (Narration): I knew that - so I pulled the sponge off the back of the teacher's head, and I thought perhaps it was just a little weird that there were a couple of little holes in the back of his head, and the hair was missing.  
  
Dib: Hey! There's a pair of little holes in his head . . . and his hair's missing.  
  
Dib (Narration): I examined the horrible sponge, and to my * GASP * horror, I found it covered with his hair!  
  
Dib: EEEEEWW!!!  
  
Dib (Narration): It was pretty disgusting, so I threw it at Zim. He had just calmed down and extricated - WOOOO! big word - the sponge from himself when the second one hit him.  
  
Zim: CURSE YOU DIB-HUMAN!!! CURSE YOU!!!  
  
Dib (Narration): Zim started to roll around on the ground screaming, but sadly, it wasn't as funny as the first time. I only laughed and laughed.  
  
Dib (Narration): Anyway, before long the sponges were upon us, horrible, squirmy, TERRIBLE things they were; biting and tearing off hair and, what? I skipped something? No I didn't! They dropped off the ceiling.  
  
Dib: There aren't any sponges on me!  
  
Dib (Narration): My apologies. As Zim -  
  
Skool Child #2: The big head kid is talking to hisself! He's CRAZY!!!  
  
Dib (Narration): As Zim writhed on the floor, like his STUPID self, and that STUPID kid was makin fun a me, like HIS stupid self, the Teacher got up, looking all zombie-like, and said in a spooky voice 'sponges. . .'  
  
Detention Teacher: . . . sponges . . .  
  
Dib (Narration): It was then that it hit me. We had walked into a trap, . . . standing in that bathroom . . . not walking at all. But then the sponges were upon us, tearing at our hair and poking holes in us. Me, Zim, and the rest of the class, attacked by vicious, evil sponges.  
  
Dib (Narration): And then it was over. I blacked out conveniently.  
  
Dib (Narration): . . .  
  
Dib (Narration): Well, that was certainly dumb.  
  
Fades out  
  
Dib: That's it? That was STUPID! I don't even know how it turned out! Were Zim and I eaten? Well, obviously we're still alive, but, I didn't find out ANYTHING about the paranormal sponges! And I kept passing out! What WAS THAT? I want answers!  
  
Dib (Narration): Oh, well, Zim and I survived somehow, but as usual, there was no evidence left behind for me to prove anything, and sponges erased everyone's mem -  
  
End of Scene 2  
  
  
  
  
  
End of Episode 


End file.
